I am happy to report I haven't written in my blog the past few days because I have been feeling pretty good. I always hate to say that, let alone write it. You know how it is as soon as it is on paper or comes out of your mouth it already starts to bite you in the butt. You can almost feel it starting to make up a plan on you as you write it. Humm.
When I tell people I am feeling well it is like they think I have had the miracle cure hit and now I am back to my old self and able to do it all. It is so hard to make the real world understand. There are times I hate to tell certain people I am feeling well because the first thing I get is, lets go here, lets go there, you need to come over. "Umm do you realize the energy it takes me to, just stop over?" "Oh and did you forget where I live? "I have to put the brakes on that real fast at times with certain people. I want to shout "WAIT a minute. I said I feel better but you must understand that if I do all the things you want me to do with you I can guarantee a flare and a backlash that you don't understand and I am pretty sure you won't be there to take care of me when I have that flare. It isn't a kind of better that means I can do whatever I want, do you understand?" Humm
(Yes, there are times I get very angry because these are the people who should understand.)
Funny how when you are chronically ill the world, no matter how much you tell them what is going on with you, only wants you back to the person you use to be. How in the world do you explain that more than likely it is not going to happen? Believe me, I want it too. I really do, but it seems the odds are stacked up against me. The people who want you to go away for a weekend but have no understanding when you tell them, "if I go with you for the weekend I will be sick for a week after." I might get a horrid migraine that will take two to three days out of my life. I am not willing to use that time with you because it takes away from Rich, our children, and our grandchildren. I usually get a deer in the headlights look and a comment that goes something like this, "Well, all you have to do is come and you can just sit and rest the whole time."Nope, they didn't hear a word I just said." I have almost given up on trying to explain any of it anymore. In the words of Rich, "People will never understand hon but I do." Yes, he does because he lives with the truth of it all. the truth that no one else knows or cares to know about. Humm
On the flip side I try as hard as I can to be on the healthy side of things. I wonder to myself if I were one of my friends and they were the sick person how would I handle it? I would like to think I would be compassionate and understanding. I would like to think I would not push them in any way, shape, or form. It is easy for me to say I wouldn't do any of those things but would I? I hope I would be able to understand and not make my friend feel pressured into doing anything they did not want to do. I hope I would understand that I have no idea what they are living with. I hope I would only do good for them and try to feed their soul with my love and understanding instead of putting unneeded pressure on them. I hope I could feel or at least try to feel what they are going through. I think I would ask them questions, a lot of questions, and wait to listen to the answers before I came to my own conclusions as to what it feels like to live with chronic illness. The ups and downs that no one knows about, I would want to know. I hope that I would know that just because the friend looks good it doesn't mean they are. I hope I would realize and believe there really is a raging fire going on inside their body instead of looking at them like I don't.. I wonder if I would be able to be this friend to someone who was suffering from chronic illness. Humm
There are many things I wonder about myself and about other people. It is just human nature to do so whether you are ill or not. As human beings we have some weird way of doing that, you know? It is really quite ridiculous if you ask me. I wonder why we can't take people for who they are and for where they are instead of questioning them so. We all have our stuff to deal with in one way or anther. We must learn to understand one another and love one another without strings attached. I have come to the conclusion that people take things way to personally. For example, I can't go away for a weekend with you, that has nothing to do with you, so don't take it as it does. In my heart I would love to go hang out with you all weekend it is just that the payoff is not worth it for me. I would love to go to a party and have a few drinks and get crazy but for me the pay off isn't worth it, it isn't about you. It is my hope that in reading this, if you have a friend or family member who is chronically ill you will remember what I wrote the next time you feel the need to pressure them into doing something. Don't make them feel guilty. Love them and understand. Don't leave them feeling bad or guilty because you decide to take it personal that they can't do something. Don't allow them to leave with that one strange word in their heart and mind, Humm.