Ever Feel Like This?

I laughed when I saw this cartoon the other day so I saved it to my phone for a future blog entry. I must admit there are more days then not that I would love to slap that sticker to my forehead and not say a word to anyone. The stress of moving is gut wrenching for me. My anxiety is at at the level I have never experienced in my whole life. Give me three kids screaming and hollering and I am fine but tell me to pack up and move and I feel like I am in a tail spin from hell. Plus with the kids I can actually scream out loud and we can all crack up together. Me laughing because I sound like a raving lunatic and them laughing because, "Nana you are so silly." Then all the anxiety goes away. But moving that's a whole different ball game. The waiting when you are a now person is just too much. Living with a person who isn't as stressed as you are almost makes me feel worse. Odd, I know. Funny how it is so hard to understand each other when we are all so different. Moving is exhausting on top of a life that is already pushed to the limits with chronic illness. I go to bed every night wondering what tomorrow will bring as far as symptoms and I wake up wondering how much I will suffer if I do to much. It is like a game of Russian roulette without. Although the game I play is the game of actually knowing I am going to have to dodge the bullet at one point in order to just exist.

Stress. We all have it but being chronically ill stress can push your body to the limits and symptoms show up more but you don't even realize they are rearing their ugly head until it is too late. This pain, that pain, it will go away when I rest. Think again. It just gets worse. Right now it is my elbow giving me fits. I am hoping tomorrow is the day it is better but then again I have been hoping that for the past two months or more I can't really remember as the days of pain blur into one another. It's hard to always call the doctor and say I have this now I have that now. To the chronically ill calling the doctor is like throwing in the towel or admitting you can't handle it. Crazy as that sounds it is true but especially when you are a control freak and hate admitting when you have had enough. Then just as I think I am the only one who suffers I look around and see and hear storied of others suffering. Many in different ways than I but suffering none the less. I think to myself and wonder how many people secretly wish they could put that "Out of Order" sticker on their forehead. I am sure many would love to but then I wonder how many can or would be willing to admit it. I wonder why we are so worried about admitting when we are weak or talking to other people about our weaknesses. I know when I do talk to others, besides Rich, about it most people are very understanding. I mean really how many people are going to tell you that you are crazy to your face or that they don't understand? They aren't. Just the same as when someone tells me their struggles I would never do that. I listen. Listening in love, maybe not understanding what they are going through, but loving them in their time of need.

It's Christmas. Only a week away. That time of the year where everyone one is jolly. But are they? I hope we can all take to the time to love someone who might need that listening ear or love someone through their struggles affirming to them that it really is okay if they want to put that "Out of Order sticker on their forehead at least for a while. Afterall isn't the that best Christmas gift you could give to anyone? I believe so. I have said it before stuff to me really means nothing. I hate getting gifts but I love it when someone gives me the gift of listening to me when I might be struggling. Yesterday it was my daughter. God love her soul she is so good at just understanding which means more to me than any material thing ever could. I hope we can all spread the love of the birth of Christ this year and not look for it under a tree.

God Bless!

Dianne