I really didn't want to write a blog right now. I don't have much to say at this point. Pain is still at the same level as it has been for the past whatever, I lost track of the time. When you are in pain you divide your life into this moment not this day or this week or this month. You forget how long it has been because it is all a big blur. If I can get through today I'm good. If I can get through tonight I'm good. Yes, that is how we chronics do it. Makes no sense to the real world but to all of us it makes perfect sense. My sleep is being so interrupted I am not getting a good amount of quality sleep. Waking up in pain all night long is exhausting to say the least but life goes on. I might be able to control my days as far as how much I am able to do but the pain is another story. Over time the pain begins to control you. Yes you adapt but the longer it goes on the harder it gets. The pain causes you to play the head games with yourself. You know you should call your doctor but you wait it out until the last possible minute because you don't need more to deal with when it comes to all of it. Drugs, tests, time, money, so you suffer. You continue on with the mind game of tomorrow it will get better. My favorite words to say when Rich tells me to call the doctor. That's another thing, the rif it can cause on your relationship(s). I am much crabbier when I am in constant pain and do not get my sleep so naturally who do I take it out on? Poor Rich. The man who has been to hell and back with me and I bite his head off for the stupidest things. I apologize but I wonder if he really forgives me.
I saw my new doc a month ago and she started me on a med for high blood pressure. I hate this. More appointments to monitor meds and dosages. Ughhh more appointments. I go back this Monday so I will bring up the pain to her. The worst part is she will tell me the same thing she told me a month ago to call my Rheumatologist. I did and she said to start back on meds. I did and got so sick from them I said never again. This was the reason I stopped them in the first place. She said we could try another immunosupprssant drug if I have the symptoms but I am afraid to try another so I suffer. At the appointment a month ago my doc found a mole on my back that needs to be biopsy. Surely it will be nothing and I am not worried. Please no cancer I can't deal with more at this point. I am also having other issues that she referred me to another doctor for. I need a colonoscopy but she wants me to form a relationship with the gastro doc because of not only my family history of colon cancer but because of my lovely history. I'll leave out the details on that one.
Most people could never understand the true meaning of the cartoon I posted at the beginning of this entry but to me and my fellow sufferers it makes perfect sense. I wish it didn't but it is what it is. Christmas is here. Everyone is happy and excited but for people with chronic illness we don't get a vacation from our pain. Christmas blurs in with all the other days of the year. How great would it be if we could look forward to a day off. The excitement people have when they know they are going to have some time off from work. The anticipation of relaxing and sleeping in or just not having to go to work even if they are still up early. A break from pain. A break from chronic illness. I cannot fathom what that anticipation would feel like but I wouldn't deny it if I was given the opportunity. I and all my fellow chronics push on with what we are given. We might, or might not complain everyday but we push on doing the best we can whether we have had enough sleep or not. Whether we are in pain or happen to have a low pain day. We make the best of what we are given even when no one can understand it.
God Bless!
Dianne
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