Thursday, February 13, 2014

Chicken Scratch

I was laying in bed last night around 8:30 pm and as usual the creative juices were flowing. Ever since we welcomed Ella into our dorm/home/lives our schedule has changed drastically off to bed at 8:00pm up at 5:00am. We are both deciding that dogs are not so great for intimacy. It is like a race but we wouldn't trade the joy we get from both of them for more sleep, plus we know it will get better because pups are just like that. Back to laying in bed waiting for my slumber to arrive. I don't know why but when I am in bed, in the dark, with no pencil or paper in sight, that is when I think of so many great blog entries telling myself oh ya I will remember that. Morning comes and guess what? Nope they are gone from my memory. I try to think of a word that I can associate with in the morning to bring back at least some of what I was dreaming up in my subconscious mind but most times it just doesn't happen. Which reminds me I had a really good one the other night but...Well, guess what? It finally happened this morning. Of all the words I could put together to remember my brain ranting on and on at me last night- Chicken Scratch. Crazy! But when I got up I thought to myself that was some good stuff now what was that word? Oh ya Chicken Scratch. What the heck can a person come up with from those two simple words? Glad you asked and even if you didn't here it is.

I was laying there thinking about life as I always do. I thought about one of the most special people I have ever met in my life and a past Pastor from the church we use to be very involved in. He had surgery Monday for colon cancer and we found out last night the cancer was one tumor and he was NOT going to need any further surgery. Best news ever! I was thanking God for that! I have never met a more selfless family than the Weber's. Dave goes out of his way for everyone many times driving hours to meet someone in a hospital that is a ten hour drive away only to turn around and head back home after a short visit. How can people like that not be blessed with good health? So ya, my heart is still weak and tears well in my eyes as I am thankful he doesn't have to face more than he already has to with recovery!
Then I thought about Valentines Day. Stupidest so called holiday ever. I hate even writing holiday after Valentines Day. Watching the stupid commercials on how we have to buy something. I even heard the average a person spends on their lover is like $225. Seriously I would be so mad if Rich wasted that kind of money on something so stupid. I beg of him not to waste money on flowers or anything else for that matter. Love is all I need. Stuff is just stuff. Chicken Scratch so to speak. I mean really, you get it, whatever it is, and in a few weeks the flowers die, the chocolate is gone, the item breaks or gets shoved in a drawer and then what? Chicken Scratch. But love? Ahhh that stays forever in the heart. I thought about all the other Chicken Scratches of the world as my mind whirled on and on. The senseless arguing with people. Why do we do it? Why do we hang or allow ourselves to hang with people who only bring us down when we can have good people who lift us up? Why? I believe the older you get you don't have time for horse shit oh whoops I mean Chicken Scratch and after time you really don't care anymore. Sad but true sometimes letting the Chicken Scratch go is the best thing you can do for yourself!

I never feel good that is common knowledge to most people who know me. I don't hide it and why should I? It is hard to pretend so why not just let all the Chicken Scratch go and live it. I live it every minute of everyday. It is always something. It never ends and I am to the point that it is my life. I make the best of what I have been given and I try to avoid the Chicken Scratch and push on the best I can. I don't understand why when we are sick or chronically ill we have to pretend we are so strong to the world. What is that? I am strong but when it comes to pain and knowing I have to live like this forever it can be very taxing. When I got to this point in my thinking last night I drifted off to sleep. It is funny how your brain knows when it has had enough and how it knows how to shut off. I believe it is because the unknown is too much to try to decipher so the Chicken Scratch switch turns off and says that is enough for today. I'm sure, and I know for a fact, that is not the first time or the last time I will try to figure it all out. I am happy I am learning to live with never feeling well it just makes life so much easier accepting it is what it is. The older I get I understand more and more that part of being chronically ill, the accepting part. I understand we have to try as hard as we can to let the Chicken Scratch go and holding on only makes life harder and many times unbearable. Then I think of Dave laying in a hospital recovering from a very serious surgery and then it all begins to come in even a little clearer for me. I kind of thought to myself much of life is Chicken Scratch and we must learn to let some of it go in order to live in the present moment and just be happy.

PS. I lied I do hope like heck Rich brings me some good milk choclate home but it sure doesn't have to be tomorrow :)

God Bless!

Dianne


1 comment:

  1. Good news about Pastor Weber! And we feel the same way about the 'holiday' - we mostly use it as an excuse to eat steak and buy a good bottle of wine!

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