Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Clock On The Wall

This morning as I awoke with yet another migraine, and called out to Rich who was at the kitchen table to bring me some meds, I thought to myself are you kidding me? The minute I called to him he came running up the steps before he even knew what was wrong. I tell you when that happens it rips my heart out, migraine or no migraine. He is so worried about me all the time that just the quiet voice of me calling his name sends him into some sort of a marathon racer trying to get the the finish line of a race. Like I wrote many times, it is very painful for me and almost worse than the migraine or whatever else I may be suffering on any given day. I will tell you I keep a lot of stuff to myself for just that reason. I cannot bare to see him suffer almost more than I do.

Rich got my meds, brought them up to me and I tried to go back to sleep but it was impossible so I decided to drink the usual cup of caffeine to see if that would help. It did and I am better. When I was sitting on the couch drinking the coffee with my eyes closed, I noticed how loud the small clock on the wall was. TICK TOCK, TICK TOCK. Seriously? You never notice how loud anything is or how bright things are until you are in the middle of the hell of a migraine, on normal days I cannot even hear that clock. I was thinking about that stupid loud clock and I wanted to it pull off the wall and chuck out the front door, but decided I should just try to block it from my highly sensitive hearing. I started thinking about time instead, not the time on the clock but how fast time passes. Then I thought about the years that Rich has had to live with chronic illness right along with me. I have watched him suffer much more than I do. I am sure, unless you are ill, you can not understand that at all but living with a chronically ill person is no fun. I watch him suffer in trying to make life easier for me. Jumping up if I need something, doing anything, and I mean anything, to help me get better. Just last week as I was waiting for my new pillow to come in he said, "If I have to I'll drive to Australia to pick that pillow up just find out where it is and I'll go," and he was serious, very serious. Is he perfect? No. I know I make him out to be but none of us are. I'm not (I can be a real pain in the butt), you're not, but as time goes by we need to realize how precious life is and how precious our relationships are and that time is passing by rapidly.

When I got up and was so sick I didn't even wish Rich a Happy Father's Day, but as the pain started to get better I said, Happy Father's Day." Of course his response was, "I'm not your father." I said, "No you're not you are more like my daddy." Then I thought about that, you are a daddy who will do anything for his child. A daddy who will jump up to save his child from harm or make a run to the store in the middle of the night to get whatever may be needed to calm their child. I realized this relationship has to be a hard one for him, but he never falters or complains. He only tells me, "I love taking care of you and I'll do anything for you because I love you." It breaks my heart when he says that because I just think loving me cannot be easy for him but he makes it look so easy. In the past few years and in that moment today as I wished him a Happy Father's Day I realized he really truly is like my daddy. When I told him that he said, Ya, I'm your Sugar Daddy," and we both laughed. I like that even though his and my sense of his sugar daddy statement meant something much different than what most people would think.

I hope as time goes on and when you hear the tick tock of the clock on the wall you are able to remember time is short. The clock is always ticking taking time away from you and I. People are everything. Whether you are a care giver of a chronically ill person or a healthy person trying to get by day to day, enjoy every second of that clock ticking because what you do today is what you will leave behind tomorrow. I am so happy I have received so much love from my family to store in my heart forever, it keeps me going, I hope I do the same for them and I hope you are able to do the same for the ones you love!

God Bless!


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