Yup, I'm back again. You know how it is, when things are going good there isn't much to write about, but when things aren't going so good there are many things to write about.
I was awaken this morning once again by a migraine at 4 am. Only difference this time as soon as I turned over and it struck I took the meds and got up and drank a cup of coffee to help ward off another all morning attack like I has the other day. it seems to have worked except for the hangover I now have from the headache. Its okay I can handle it knowing I didn't have to battle that severe pain all morning.
I decided to go back to bed and finally laid back down at 7:00 am. The song, I still believe by Jeremy Camp started to blare through my head. It struck me just like that and the tune kept running through my head, I still believe over and over as I tried to think of the other words to the song all I could hear was I still believe. I laid there and just allowed the words to run over and over in my head like a broken record. You see, when I feel as bad as I have been feeling, as I have said many times before, I ask myself why in the world am I here? Only to suffer? I got the answer this week and more this morning as the tune played on and as I listen to it as I write this.
It is a miracle to me that this song was the one that God decided to put in my head this morning because I have been doing a lot of reading up on the disciples lately. I have learned that these twelve men were ordinary just like you and I. Yes, I knew that but they were much more ordinary than we all might think. I don't know why I always thought of them as holy men who did no wrong. I am learning more and more about their character and I must admit, as I read on I am learning, I am just like them. I am a believer but I still doubt. Don't get me wrong I believe in God but I doubt that a loving God could allow someone to suffer so much. I don't understand it. I cry out to God that this isn't fair. I question him all the time, but more on weeks like this. He sent me an answer this week as I was reading the book, Twelve Ordinary Men by John MacArthur on page 112, the chapter on John. The Apostle of Love. John is the only Apostle who was not killed for his belief and teaching and the only one who lived a long life, albeit alone on a island along with much suffering he endured for his belief.
There it was in black and white as the author writes, "It is my conviction that when we see Christ's glory fully unveiled we will finally understand why the glory of Christ is the greatest reward of all in Heaven. One glimpse of Jesus in the fullness of His glory will be worth all the pain and suffering and sorrow we have endured here on earth. Participation in Christ's glory is there fore a fitting desire for every child of God.
But if we desire to partake in heavenly glory we must also be willing to partake of earthy sufferings.
Philippians 3:10 That I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.
Paul wasn't saying he had a masochistic lust for pain; he was simply recognizing that glory and suffering are inseperable. Those who desire the reward of glory must be willing to desire the suffering. Suffering is the price of glory with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together. Romans 8:17.
Matthew 16:24-25, John 12:24-25.
Suffering is a prelude to glory. Our suffering as believers is the assurance of the glory that is yet to come. 1Peter 1:6-7- The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18. Meanwhile for those who thirst for glory must balance desire with a willingness to serve."
For me this added some comfort to my suffering, especially the parts that said, One glimpse of Jesus in the fullness of His glory will be worth all the pain and suffering and sorrow we have endured here on earth. And the part that says our sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
I need to hear that and I need to read it everyday, whether it is a good day or a bad day. It is the only thing that helps get me through this hell on earth. It reminds me of all the people I know right now who are suffering. It makes me want to pray for them to at least feel better even though some of them will not be healed. It gives me strength to face the day. It helps to know how much the disciples suffered and were willing to give up for Jesus and for their faith. It humbles me to want to be a better person. Saint? No way. Sinner? Hell yes! For that is the reason I personally need Jesus and why I need to pray. The reason I am able to go on when all I want is for it to all end. It is the hope I have for a better ending than what I am living in now. I am grateful for the messages God has sent me this week as I suffer knowing I will have good days again and I surely will go back to taking it all for granted while I wait for the next bomb to drop.
I am not a person who preaches to anyone and I am not doing that here. I live my faith which for me speaks much louder than preaching it. I accept people where they are. I truly love everyone. Just as Jesus did when he walked on this earth. I am not the judge or the jury, I am sure you are able to do that for yourself. I am no better than any believer, non-believer, or otherwise. I am human that is why I need something/someone bigger than myself to guide me through this hell until I can reach my final destination. Serenity, peace, pure love, no pain, bliss, need I go on? As for today, I still believe, and will continue to lean on that belief until the end.