Sleep doctor. Sleep study. Results: normal. Sleep Behavioral Specialist. Went, did homework. Results: still the same as I was before all the tests, all the stress, all the try this and try that's. Seriously? I have to be truthful on this subject at least when it comes TO ME. It is a bunch of bull hockey and a waste of so much of our insurance money and our business' money. I knew when I switched doctors and she said sleep test that it was going to be a waste of all the resources we had and a waste of me being a stressed out mess. I am still not recovered from the stress. I tell you if you don't have anxiety or stress and are feeling pretty good before all the sleep talk comes up, you will be an absolute mess after the fact. I have a great sleep doctor. She was very understanding and at least after the test I feel she began to see my case a being much different than most patients she see's. She agreed that if the Xanax worked for me for sleep then there is no reason to mess with what works. She even left it up to me whether I wanted to see a sleep behavioral specialist and I decided sure I would at least try. Well, that lasted two appointments and I knew it wasn't for me. Yes, I did get some good idea's but I knew a lot of the stuff already so it I asked myself, "Self, what the heck are you doing here?" I talked with Rich whom thought it was ridiculous too, and decided it wasn't for me Once again FOR ME, I cannot stress that enough. FOR ME! Yes, for some she is probably just what they need but for me I was skeptical the first appointment when she kept yawning. hummm yup a sleep behavioral specialist who yawns through the appointment and the second appointment. I am very observant on so many levels so I began questioning myself and the whole situation even more for obvious reasons.
Once again the biggest point of me writing this is in the hopes that if at least one doctor reads this they will begin to understand that all patients are NOT the same. You cannot compare my sleep to anothers leep even if it is the same pattern. My sleep has always been the way it is since birth. Have you ever tried to tell someone to listen to you and what you are saying instead of them saying, "If you don't want to put the work into this then you don't have to." Every time I asked a question I was told this. Seriously? The reason I asked the question is because I want an answer,you are the specialist, right? I feel that many of the doctors I have seen in the past do not understand one thing about chronic illness and the behavior specialist was one of them. Once again as I stated above FOR ME. I am a very complex person not only in my illness but in my thinking. Deep is an understatement. Believe me by the time I am at that first appointment I have researched and educated myself to the enth degree and I know what it is all about. I must give credit where credit is due I did learn and apply a couple of things from this sleep therapy. One, I took the tv out of the bedroom and two, I am on more of a regular sleep pattern as far as trying to get to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time. Although I feel more tired than ever, this is suppose to help the average person sleep better. I'm not sure I can vouch for this or not, FOR ME at least. I can say if I didn't have an anxiety problem before all this sleep stuff I do now. I worry that I am doing everything wrong when it comes to sleep. I feel like some kind of criminal for not having the best sleep schedule in the past. I have been talked down to like I am some sort of idiot or like I am five years old, unacceptable. I am really angry to say the least. I have to admit I am mostly angry at myself for being sucked into another doctor, more tests, more degrading from, and the list goes on. I am anxious to see my Rheumetologist after this testing stuff since she knows me and lets just say she knew this wasn't going to show much. How does she know? Because she understands the chronically ill. She gets it. She listens, she understands, and she is not only a doctor but a cheerleader on the side helping her patients. She gets the oddness of being chronically ill. She doesn't lump all her patients into one category she looks at each person in their own individual way. She treats the patients and not just the disease. I would be dead if not for her. I am indebted to her for giving me back my life and for listening and believing in me. There is no way on earth you could ever thank a doctor like that.
I wish I could rewind the clock and would have just said no to all this sleep stuff. I was doing so good before it all began. Good for me. Good enough. I don't understand why when something works some doctors won't leave it alone. I struggle with this daily and now nightly as every night I feel guilty for having to pop a Xanax. I feel mad and angry that I was told I couldn't have Xanax anymore only to have the doctor, after the sleep test, tell me it was fine FOR ME, not the best med to take at bed but if it works its what we will do. I went through all that hell to get right back to the place I was before I started. Hummm, I hope doctors can begin to understand that patients know their bodies and know what works for them better than what the book says. The book needs to be burned when it comes to some patients and I am one of those patients as are many others. I push on. Writing this helps me to deal with the anger I am feeling. The bitterness that I don't need to have because it just makes everything worse. Letting it go. Forgetting it all. Yes, it takes time and yes it is getting somewhat better. I know it will be much better after I see Dr. Key but until then I fight as I do everyday. I try to keep my chin up and move on to better days. In the end it will all be fine I just know it. It always is.