This made me laugh today. When I first read it I laughed because of the obvious reasons like how we all love to complain but don't care to much when people try to make everything better with their own point of view or their words.
I thought about it the way I would think about it which is totally different than the rest of the world, in terms of being chronically ill. Over the past week I had a lot of time to hash over the chronically ill issue which is something I really hate to take time out to do. But when you are so sick that you can hardly think straight you have nothing but time to think as you try your hardest to just make it through the day. It is the weeks like that when all I feel like I do is complain, whine, and rant. Rich always telling me it will get better but in my head, even though I know it will, I still wonder if it will. I don't want to hear, it will get better when I am suffering I just want to bitch. I want someone to listen and understand. I know it is hard on the people who love me to see me like that. I hate myself when I am in that frame of mind so I wonder how in the world they even want to be in the same room as me. I don't know if it is feeling sorry for myself or just being disgusted with myself or just being sick of being sick. It always gets better and this past week was no different. I feel so much better since Saturday, to some degree, at least to a point where I like myself again. It is so hard to like anything when all you want to do is die. I know it sounds crazy but it is what it is. You are so fatigued you can hardly do anything at all. I even had two days where I didn't do my hair or make up and when that happens you know I'm not feeling well at all. The strangest part for me, and I wonder if it is true for my fellow chronics, is that I feel like two separate people. When I am sick I feel like a person I hardly know. I lay around in disbelief that I am the same person I am when I am well. When I am well I can hardly believe and sometimes I can't even remember who the person is when I am sick or what it feels like to be that sick. Funny how the brain has a way of shutting it all off. It is like two totally different people. When I am sick I hate everything. I blame anything or anyone for getting in my way. I pick apart everything, every little thing anyone says or does. Everything is stupid or drives me crazy. When I am well everything is good. People don't bother me as much, I am much more nice and much less argumentative. There is a movie that I can't remember the name of but it has a part where one of the characters says something to the affect, I don't even know who that person is anymore, talking about themselves. I have no idea why I remember that line but I sure do identify with it. I have no idea who I am anymore. I forgot in all the madness of the illness. I want to get a job but who's going to hire a migraine, ibs, fatigued, arthritis, wore out fifty year old? Oh and I can only work a few hours on most days because that is all the energy get on most days. I could go on about all the crap that I drag along everyday but I won't bore you with the gorey details. I'm pretty sure no one wants to hire it though.
Funny how illness controls every aspect of your life and no one really gets it. Feels like most people would never understand by looking at me but many days I am dying inside. I cry when I think too deep about all I have lost because of my body. Then, I read a cartoon like the above and realize how ridiculous all of this sounds, the ranting, for what? Who wants to listen to that crap? I'm sure that is why I laughed so hard when I read it because it struck a nerve. Stop ranting. You had a bad week last week, so what. Get over it and deal! Other people have their own set of things to rant about many of which are not related to illness and much worse than what I deal with. We all have our stuff, we all rant, but after our ranting hopefully we are able to come to our own conclusions on the facts and the reason, because in the end we are the only ones who know what facts and reasons are right for us!
God Bless!
Dianne
No comments:
Post a Comment