What has chronic illness taught me? I think I wrote a blog about this when I first started writing or many times after, not sure but pretty sure I did. I never go back and read my blog because I figure it is here to help others and it only helps me when I am writing. Plus, what is the sense of going back and reading when I was so sick since t will only upset me to the point of unbelief that this really is me writing. It is easier to write new blogs than to go back in time. I believe we must always have our eye on now, today, the moment we are in. I don't know about you but if I look to far ahead it gets overwhelming and I feel overloaded. Today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow, next week is next week. They aren't going anywhere so why worry about them?
After having a very rough week last week and doing more of that soul searching when I was down I tried to keep it in the positive as to what all of this hell has taught me. Hummm, it took a lot of self discipline to only think of the positive but I did it, most of the week, while other times tears rolling down my face wondering if this is ever going to get better so maybe I didn't. When you feel good you mind makes the bad much better than it was. Coping mechanism I'm sure.
I had a great day yesterday. I did way too much but that is what we chronics do when we feel good. All the stuff that piled up and drove us crazy last week when we were unable to do them needed to get done. I cleaned the house, did all the laundry, etc, which in turn made my foot swell up and caused me a terrible night of sleep because of the intense stabbing pain. I made it through the night but was woke up a lot from the pain so instead of getting all worked up I thought to myself once again, what has chronic illness taught me. I would think, fall back asleep, and be awoken by pain, only to start the thought process all over again. I wish I could remember what I thought of because there were some good ones. We do our best thinking in the middle of the night too bad it stays there when we wake up.
Lets me see. What has chronic illness taught me:
-First and foremost? It has taught me to laugh at myself. I'm sure this sounds pretty odd but you do a lot of bumping into walls, tripping, and being so bruised you look like a paint by number. There are too many things to write but you get the picture, you must laugh to keep from going insane!
-Who cares and who doesn't. I'm not talking about the how are you's when you see someone but the people you know who would come running if you called them right now. I know my core. On the flip side it has taught me who I need and who I want in my life opposed to the energy sucking pigs and energy people stealing our energy to help them solve their problems.
-I learned I am artistic to some degree. I never would have started painting if I was living in the normal world. I started a painting yesterday and it brought so much joy to my soul. I thought to myself, why don't you do this everyday? It was the best therapy ever.
-Doctors are not always perfect. This one took me a long time to understand. I just want a cure but they don't have an answer to everything. I learned this best when my Rheumatologist nurse told me doctors are people too. I guess I never thought about that. There are some issues I deal with that have no answer and I am getting better at accepting that now. It has taken a very long time because when you are ill and you know you are ill you want to be fixed and sometimes it just doesn't happen.
-This one is horrible to write but it is true. Being ill taught me I really am lazy. Lazy in the sense that it is so hard to exercise or force myself to go to the mall or do anything that's going to suck my energy dry. I might feel really good and do some of those things only to pay for three or more days. As I write this I wonder if it is lazy or just a way of life now. I am still pondering this one so I'm not sure I have learned a lesson out of this yet. I do know it frustrates me to no end.
-I have learned sleep is my best friend. I know our society is proud when they only sleep five hours a night but I am good with ten to twelve thank you very much. I'm in no way ashamed to admit it either.
-One of the most important things I have learned or taught myself is: IT IS WHAT IT IS. If you can get to this milestone in your way of thinking it makes everything so much easier. IT IS WHAT IT IS, keep telling yourself this. You can't change it. It is what you have been given just as everyone has what they have been given. You must deal with it the best you can by either being bitter and angry or by telling yourself I am going to make it through this day happy and joyful. I know it isn't easy. I know it is a constant battle. Being aware all the time of your attitude helps on most days. Is it lifting you up or dragging you down. Notice the difference in how you feel while you are in those moments. Take deep breaths and let them out slowly you won't believe how much that takes off your mind. In with the good out with the bad.
I know I could go on and on and I know you have your own list that may look totally different than mine.
Last but not least and the best of all, I have learned who I am. I'm pretty sure if I was still busy all the time I never would have done the soul searching I needed to do. I have a peace now I never had before. It isn't a world peace or a peace with all that goes on in this crazy world but a peace deep within my soul. The older I get the wiser I get and realize what really matters. I know we all pretty know what matters to us and what doesn't but this goes much deeper than that. Of course on my bad days I feel like I flip back to the searching all over again but when I start to regain strength and the pain and fatigue go away I revert back to what I knew before the bad hit. So you see, chronic illness really is a blessing in the end its just getting to the place of knowing and believing it.
God Bless!
Dianne
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