I have heard the phrase, I've got a monkey on my back, and always have thought to myself that sure cannot be a good thing Well, over the past 5 years I have had a monkey on my back and have to disagree with the idea that it isn't always a good thing.
My monkey is small and white and he hangs around every morning as soon as I get. I have a love/hate relationship with my monkey. My monkey causes me many little annoyances throughout the day.
He causes me to have CRS and most of you know what that stands for, lets just say the memory is pretty much a thing of the past. How many times I say to someone, "You never told me that," only to hear, "I just told you that five minutes ago." "Oh sorry!
He also causes me hot flashes which, yes I blame on him because I am just way to young for the other culprit, menopause. (Ya, I know it is the M word, I just don't need another thing to deal with.)
He also causes me to bruise very easily. If I go out in a dress or on the rare occasion shorts, it looks like I have been in a fight or abused by someone.
My monkey can cause me to come unglued in an instant over the stupidest little thing. Someone may look at me crossways and I will ask them, "What is your problem?" To tell you the truth there are times I even scare myself, like when I do something stupid and want to grab myself around the neck. This is where I feel bad for my family. "Who did this, who did that?" After I say something really bitchy I will ask, "Did that sound mean?" The answer is usually, "Ahhh ya!" Then I just laugh. So word of warning, if you see me in public run! Fast!
My monkey causes my face to swell to the size of a watermelon or better yet a basketball. This really annoys the heck out of me, so avoiding the mirror is a daily ritual. I take a shower, put on my makeup, and get out of the bathroom as fast as possible.
The worst side effect of having this monkey on my back is the hunger. The bottomless pit that cannot be filled. I try my best to keep this part of my monkey occupied so I don't become the Good Year Blimp but there are days I just have to give in. I have learned, do not keep high calorie foods or much food in the house for that matter. One time I was at the doctor and there was a candy dish with M&M's in it. We had just discussed my hunger issues and he asked if I wanted some M&M's and he just smirked. I said, "I probably better not because I might eat the dish too." Seriously, this IS how bad it gets.
One of the ways I have learned to tame this hunger issue is coffee. If I get hungry I make myself a cup, although I am pretty sure the 1/2 cup of powder cream and the few packets of Splenda and tsp of regular sugar are not real good for my health. Since my monkey returned to my life my taste buds have also withered away, actually this has been an issue for the past five years. Most foods taste like cardboard anyways so that makes it even harder to find the "right" thing to eat. I find the only things I can taste are very strong flavors, Italian foods, salty or sweet items. Now, you would think if you can't taste why eat? Well, that is good question I do not have the answer to. I will say, I am one of the fortunate people who take the monkey but do not gain weight on it, as most people do, so I am thankful for that!
I know my monkey sounds really bad but my monkey, for me, is a lifesaver. When I take the monkey I am able to live, not like everyone else, but able to function and enjoy my small life.
Last March I was able to go back on my monkey. I had to be off it for a while in order to have my Cervical Spine fused. This past March I was able to get back on the monkey and it took until the middle to end of July to FINALLY figure out what dose helps me. It is like a roller coaster ride, as my husband puts it, trying to figure out what dose if right.
My monkey allows me to read and see better! This can still improve but before the monkey reading was next to impossible. It also helps my right eye to stay up where it is suppose to be. Without the monkey my eye can droop so low that all I see are eyelashes, another minor annoyance.
My monkey keeps my pain at bay, without it I can be in horrible pain and chronic pain is just plain exhausting. My monkey helps me to be able to get out of bed in the morning with less stiffness, although it still takes me time to get moving it is much better than when I am off the monkey.
My monkey helps my fatigue and gives me enough energy to do more things everyday. I am much stronger and able to get out alone more often.
My monkey helps my muscles work better. I am able to do more physical work without have the muscle weakness I usually experience. Oh it is still there just not as bad.
I wish I could put my monkey in the jungle where he belongs to roam freely but if I do that I won't be able to wonder freely. So for now my monkey remains in a bottle on my counter waiting for me every morning greeting my blurry eyes and calling out my name.
I know the monkey is sucking the life out of my bones, may cause diabetes, and other serious medical problems but I am willing to take that chance, others are not. We all must make that choice as to what is right for us. For me, without the monkey, I am worthless to say the least. My doctors and I have come to realize I AM one of those patients who needs the monkey. None of us are thrilled about that fact, but it is just the way it is for my case. Who is my monkey? Prednisone and for now we will remain friends as much as I love to hate him.
May God Bless your day! Always remember God is good even when things are bad!