Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Preparing for the Worst That Usually Ends Up Being The Best

Here I sit once again preparing for another doctors appointment. This time with my Rheumatologist, Dr. Jolene Key. The thoughts of these appointments with Dr Key take turns with my Neurologist, Dr Christopher Glisson. They are evenly split between each other, every three months I see one or the other. I like that because I get expert advice and reassurance every three months from each of them and they both like to keep track of me. The worst part of these appointments is the tricks my mind can play on me. As I think of this appointment the thoughts that weigh heavy in the back of my mind for the five months and three weeks before can turn and already nutty person into a ragging lunatic. The thoughts sit there all nice and quiet the weeks before and occasionally they send me to the computer to add any little detail to my doctors "love note" as she refers to the three page document I bring her every time I visit.

Then the week before the appointment hits and the reality sets in, which happens to be today, well the reality and the fear set in. It can be any number of things my mind decides to make up. Is this the time she is going to tell me she can't help me anymore? Is this the time she is going to give up on me? Is the this time she is going to tell me to lose weight because that is half my problem? Is this the time she is going to tell me I am too lazy and I need to get more exercise, when I do the best I can with that? Is this the time she will do the blood work and my liver will be affected? Is this the time I am going to go over the deep end and need to be committed because of all the stupid messages my mind has to send me? Is this the time? Question after question, thought after thought, so annoying.

But then again there are the good thoughts I must focus on. The thoughts that I MUST focus on for the goodness and wellness of my body, mind, and spirit. The thoughts that tell me these things I am thinking are all nonsense. Pure nonsense! The knowing that every time I have the pleasure of seeing Dr Key she is nothing more that respectable towards me. Remembering that she treats me with care and compassion and understanding for all I must live with on a daily basis, never once giving me any negative feedback from all the information in my "love note." She is always willing to help me in any way she can even if we do not change the meds I take. Or if we do change them she is always concerned and asks me, What do you want to do?" It is comfort to know you have a doctor who is on your side and is willing to work with you instead of against you. Just writing this today has helped me to start to deal with the week ahead. The week of fear. Knowing that next Wednesday evening I will be saying to my self, "Why did you get so worked up about that?"

God Bless all of you who struggle. There really is good that comes out of the bad you live with on a daily basis!


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