I have been thinking about writing this post for some time now but at the risk of sounding like a lunatic I have held off. Then last week I posted a song that comes to my mind almost daily, I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane, by Waylon Jennings. So here it goes. Hang on this is going be a crazy ride for you I am sure!
I remember reading at one time, I have no idea where, that we are all one step away from going crazy. Kind of like, in our minds, we have one foot here on the sane side of life and one foot on the other side called crazy. One slip of the foot and we could all go nuts in a matter of a seconds time. It reminds me of something I learned in Hospice when someone is dying and they have one foot here on this earth while the other foot is somewhere off in the spiritual world, something we can't experience until death knocks on our door. This is when people start to see others who have already died and they will say things like, "I just saw grandpa," or "Can you see them standing over there?" Whoever these people are that they may be talking about as they are in and out of consciousness and at deaths door is a mystery to me. I have been with people who are at this stage of dying and it is fascinating and heartwarming to say the least.
I have to say, and here comes the crazy part, for me I have never felt like I belong here. I know, I know, I know that sounds like I have already slipped over to the other side and gone bonkers, but it is true. I just can't explain it. I have never felt I have "fit in" anywhere. I wonder why I am here, like everyone does, but I just don't feel like I am suppose to be here. Never ever have. I feel I have a bigger calling than most people and that I am in tune to so much more that is going on than just what is here on earth. Sixth sense? Could be, to some degree, but it is much bigger than that from my view. I have so many odd things happen to me in life when I am out and about in the world or with a group of people. I hope I can share a few with you without sounding arrogant or most importantly at the risk of sounding like a real nut job.
So here it goes. For one thing I have the ability to read people, not just your usual people reading like most, but my reading people ability of feeling their energy is like no one else I know, or if it is no one ever talks about it. I can walk in a room see someone, even strangers, and just like that I get some kind of a strange sense which tells me what is going on with them, or their story. There are people I am around who have such bad energy that many times I have to leave the room because it is an energy that almost scares me. Then there are the ones who have an energy that draws me to them. A goodness. You know the type where you go into a room and are automatically drawn to someone just by the smile on their face? Well, that is all good! But truthfully my sense is much more spiritual than that form of reading people.
Rich always says that when they are going to hire someone at work, "You should come and just sit in the room because you are so good at reading people." I know many people have this but mine is just at such a higher degree then most, almost scary.
Then there are the times, almost every time I am out in public, and someone always comes up to me and says, "I know you." It almost always turns out they don't but it is just strange to me how and why people always do this to me. I honestly have always felt like I have some sort of an angelic soul that God sent me here with and that is why so many people connect to me. I know I shouldn't say it because it almost sounds arrogant, but it is not meant to be that way at all. I almost would like to believe we all did live in another life and now we are here, maybe we all really did meet up with one another at one time or another place and we really do know each others souls. STOP! Getting too deep! I don't want to scare any of you off from reading the rest.
Or the times I may be standing at the store in an isle way or in line to check out and someone just starts to talk to me. Now, I am not talking just your casual talk I am talking life story, huge issues, etc. So, I just listen. I always feel if this person was led to me by God then I must be here in this moment for a reason. The biggest problem is when my family is with me. Steph, now you have to know Steph, will say, "What the hell? Every time we go out do you have to make friends?" I always laugh and say, "I know it just happens to me all the time." She tells me now when we shop not to look anyone in the eye cause we will never get out of the store. lol! For me? I feel it an honor for people to feel they can trust me enough to talk to me. I think that is why I was such a good Hospice volunteer. Hair dresser too, man the things people would tell me.
There are plus and minus sides to everything in life. I also believe having this gift, sense, or whatever you want to call it can be a curse at times. It is good to help others but when you have this you tend to put the needs of others before your own. You become like a magnet that people draw to. Sadly some of the people will suck the life out of you. People who know you well tend to think you are there for their needs and you owe them something. I have had to learn to stop allowing people to suck me dry or take advantage of me. This has meant avoiding certain people like the plague. The "do only for me" people. You know the ones who only care about themselves and their issues while having no regards to me or mine, as long as I am serving them. I must admit it isn't easy leaving people behind and cutting them out of your life but sometimes we just need to do this for our own good. Once the decision is made it is very freeing to say the least. For our own health and our own piece of mind sometimes this just needs to be done. This is a whole other post to write about so that is all I am going to write here.
In closing the reason I have written this is because I do not believe I am chronically ill because God or someone is out to get me. I believe I am chronically ill to help others. I am different. I am in tune to what is going on around me and in other people. I am suppose to be here for those in need, true need, not the blood suckers. I am here to care for people who hurt because I hurt too and in helping them many times I help myself. I am here to love those whom have no connection to me or will ever repay me, even if it is just listening to them in the store for five minutes. I write this because I do believe in goodness, in the goodness from God and the goodness of other people whether they can do anything for me or not. If I do not give out then why am I here? I may wake up everyday and wonder why I am here when I feel like I don't belong. I may wake up everyday not be able to give much but I can say a prayer for someone who is hurting or send someone a card. You see it really is all the little things in life that make up the big things. We are all here for something!
Until I get to where I am going I'll keep singing my song everyday, I've always been crazy but its kept me from going in sane...and hopefully stay sane! One day at a time that is for sure!
God Bless You!