I posted on my facebook page that I was going through some old pictures today. I went downstairs to Steph's old bedroom which we now turned into a scrap booking room. When I went down I was happy to feel well enough to go down there and look at pictures of my loves. I sorted through some of the stuff I had been throwing in the room as a few months have past since I had actually done anything in that room. Boy, it sure was dusty, but by now I have learned that dust truly can become your friend when you do not have the muscle power to even clean. Ah who cares it is just dust plus I have also found if I dust today it will just be back there tomorrow and if I leave it you can't tell the difference anyways. Who cares? Meaningless these days to me to say the least.
Ok so here is how it went for me. As I sat down there sorting pictures, for only an hour mind you, I now feel like I have ran a marathon. What the heck? My eye is drooping, I can't see straight, which is an issue even when I am not doing anything physical, I am weak as ever, and I feel totally exhausted. How can someone continue to live like this? I wonder this when the storms hit. It is so very, very frustrating! It sure isn't fair, if life is ever fair in any respect to living with chronic illness.
Although I did quite enjoy my hour down memory lane. I just wish I could be "normal" and have a somewhat "normal" life. If I am not sitting and taking it easy all the time, literally all the time, I turn into a complete mess. I just don't understand it. It makes me very sad. These are the times that send me into tears because when you feel so weak you become very sad and vulnerable to the possibility of becoming depressed, something I fight everyday. I will not, I will not, I will not!! Weakness like this is unexplainable so I will not even try to explain because truthfully I don't know how to explain it. The one and only way I can is to imagine walking through thick mud up to your neck and you finally get out of it. You know how weak your muscles would feel after that? Well, there you go.
It is also hard because I feel I have so much to offer the world and am unable to do so. It is a vicious circle of misunderstanding for me. Espeically when I look around me and see the selfishness from people who never do or care about anyone else and that is all I want to be able to do, care for others. I miss being ME! I miss volunteering with my Hospice patients whom allowed me into their lives and confided in me. People whom I cried with, and loved. I miss being able to just go out and be able to go to grocery shop, come home put things away, and then make a meal for my family and/or someone in need all on the same day, now this takes me a week. It saddens me when I want to work and can't. It hurts even more when I have to listen to others complain because they have to work. I miss my friends. I miss people. I miss weekends of fun and laughing and getting crazy with people I cherished whom now I do not have the privilege of spending much time with at all. I miss being able to say, "YES I can help" and now having to say "I'm sorry I just can't" and trying to find the right words to tell people why. Most think you are just crazy or making it up, or at least it feels like it to me. My past life is something I miss terribly. It is so hard to have to even admit that taking an hour to organize and look through a few pictures can bring me to my knees and turn my eyes into a water faucet. I miss many things but I do know that I am still very fortunate compared to others who suffer on their own journey of illness or loss.
I am fortunate because I am able to stay home and take care of myself as many of my other ill friends still have to work. I have no idea how they do it but I guess when you have no choice you just do it. Fortunate because my husband has a good job to help pay the bills and have health insurance. I wonder what we would do without that all the time, just let the bills pile up? Fortunate because I have God and a belief that someday this will all be over and I will be in a much better place free of pain and suffering. Fortunate because I have the love of a good man and my family. Fortunate because I know people do pray for me. Fortunate because I have hope. The hope that one day I may wake up cured. You see in the midst of all the bad that can go wrong there really is still good. You just need to wipe the tears and look around to see it and remember it.