I don't know exactly when it happened I just know it did. I remember being a vibrant person, someone who could do anything she wanted, and did. I remember being able to keep up with my kids and the world that was going on around me. Then all of the sudden in the snap of a finger it all changed.
Getting out of bed became a nightmare from the pain and stiffness. My body was now in charge of my life instead of my head, not an easy thing to accept. As this happens you go through many emotional stages, trying to reach the one of acceptance. Although I believe now that I am in the acceptance phase I still do not believe I will truly ever accept this as my fate, but for now I do, and I am at some sort of peace with it all. I have finally realized I cannot be everything to everyone anymore. Now, my time and energy are spent on making it through each given day and making it the best of it for me, not others. Very hard for me but once I accepted it, it became easier for me.
I am back to the place of where I was in the beginning phase of my illness helping Rich deal with his emotions. It seems so easy, all the things I talk with him about, but for him he is in the hell stage. The why me stage. The how can my life change so fast stage. The I just want to feel better stage. The whole trying to process it all stage. You don't understand when you are healthy, and things are going fine, just how much energy it takes your body to work in harmony. Then, when you are hit with an illness, your world stops. All you can focus on, or care about, is getting back to the way things were. Your world stops, literally! Sadly, sometimes it isn't possible to get back to normal and you must work through all the emotions to get to the place where you accept this is what life will be for you. You don't like it, you don't want it, but it is what it is.
I pray each day for many people who are in this stage. The new life stage of thinking, I have to live like this for the rest of my life?" Questioning everything in your life. It is not fun at all. It is so easy to isolate yourself from the world because when people are healthy they really do not know how to handle illness. They say stupid things, they tell you it will get better, when all the while they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. If there is one lesson I have learned it is do not tell people they will get better! Let them be where they are. Their feelings are true, and they are their feelings not yours, just shut up. Let them feel whatever they feel. Don't give advice because although you say or think to yourself, I would never do that, you really truly do not know what you would do if you were in the same situation. So just shut up and love. I have learned this is hard for people who have never had a serious illness hit them. I always say to Rich, it is funny when someone gets sick and want to know what I think about it when before they really could have cared less. It always makes me chuckle for some reason. Don't get me wrong I don't mind people asking it just makes me wonder why they never cared about me, or Rich for that matter, until it is them. Curious!
So for now, for me, for Rich, for all those who are ill or suffering through serious illness. Do not think of it as a curse but as a blessing. Even though you think it is all bad, it really isn't. Life will change but many times for the better. It took me over four years, four very lllooonnnggg years to realize my life is better because of illness. I don't want it but I have learned to value what really matters to me and for that I am grateful!
God Bless You All!