As I write this post I have been thinking to myself this morning about how far I have come. When I think back I realize I have been feeling much better than I use to even though I do not feel like I am that much better. I still get extremely fatigued, weak, have painful days and have to rest, but when I am truthful with myself and I look back I am doing so much better than I was. I am thankful for that as the roles for Rich and I have changed a little bit over this past month. Funny how the roles change at just the right time. If this was even a year ago I would never have been able to care for Rich and do what I have been doing around here. God is good!
Rich hasn't been feeling well so now I care for him like he has so selflessly cared for me over the past five years. I think this is my sign from God showing me just how much progress I have made over the years. I have come to accept that this IS who I am now and realize this IS me and I just have to be happy with what I am able to do on any given day. If it is just one load of laundry that is okay. If it is clean the whole house and pay for it the next day, that is fine to. Before this acceptance phase I would have cried about how unfair it all is but now it is just a good feeling, almost like I can just say to myself, no worries. I like that attitude, no worries! Besides all the stuff that has to be done will be there for me tomorrow or whenever I am able to do it so why get all sad about it. I am learning to enjoy each moment of the day instead of thinking so far ahead. I can now look out the window and instead of crying because I can't do the yard work I can look out there and see the beauty of a bird or the leaves blowing off the trees. What a great place for me to be!
I still do not understand why we have to suffer. I do not understand why now I have to watch my husband suffer as I did. I do know this, he has the best person to help him through it because I have been there. I can identify with all his emotions and what is going on with him. I love that he tells me the only place he feels the best is when he is with me. So you see, my getting ill does have meaning and a reason. It is all beginning to make more and more sense to me as far as the caring for others part in being ill. If we do not care for one another than what do we have? Maybe some have a lot of material things that just collect dust and someday will turn to dust. To have true and powerful love for others is a rare gift, and the best gift life has to offer. I always think to myself, you can have all the stuff in the world but when you die and leave the ones you love behind, the piece of yourself you leave is so much more powerful than the material things you leave. Yes, it is nice to have a special ring or other item to remember someone by, but it really is the two souls connecting and the love left behind that is really the gift.
As I see what goes on around me I do not see many in my circle who have that true inner peace. Maybe I am able to think deeper now and I wonder if any of us really get a 100% total peace. I think we all must come to realize, and we do the older we get, that life isn't about what you possess, it is about people and loving those who are put in your life. That being said, there are still those who are in our life who are unable to see things the way we do and sometimes we must not allow them into our lives. We can love but when people think that we owe them and suck the life out of us we must remove ourselves from that poison, no matter who that person is. In order to be happy you must choose what makes YOU happy not what others think you should choose just to make THEM happy. I have learned you cannot give, give, give and get nothing back in return. Such relationships are toxic and you must decide what is right for you! One way you can decipher this is when you are talking to someone and they ask about you does the conversation change back to them or are they really listening and caring about you? Is the talk always about them? Do they really care about you?
So we march on in this world. We suffer. We love. We care for others and sometimes we cut others loose. We do the best we can and sometimes we just don't understand and that is okay too. Lean on God and the good people in your life who love and support you.