Yesterday I had another doctors appointment this time with my primary doc for a physical. For me these appointments are a piece of cake compared to the Rheumatologist and the Neurologist ones, not because of the doctors, but because of the stress of just having to see specialists on a regular basis. The doctor cycle begins again for the next few weeks and if I can get through them I am home free until March. I will, I always do!
In the weeks that followed yesterdays appointment I thought I had it all figured out in my head. I had a plan of action and I went in armed, notes and all. When Doctor Cory walked in with her usual smile and typical exchange of the hi and how are you's, she saw my note laying by her computer. I always have to laugh at myself because I am a list and note person, if it isn't written down it means nothing to me because I can't remember anything these days. "Ahh," she says, "Whats this?" I just chuckled and said, "thats all I have today nothing more." You must understand this note was on a 4x6 sheet of paper and not my usual typed, computer paper, three page long list. She lucked out and I think I saw her wipe the sweat off her head as she sat down at the computer.
My whole plan this time was to get off some of the drugs I am currently on, something I struggle with all the time, all the meds I am on. It can make you crazy if you let it. It is so strange that when you are sick you will take anything to feel better but once you get a little better you want to stop taking them as soon as you can. Although sometimes that just isn't an option. Armed with my research over the past few weeks I came up with the plan of all plans and here it is: If I start taking a low dose of antidepressants for the pain, fatigue, and sleep problems I deal with on a daily basis, then I would be able to wipe out the Xanax, the muscle relaxers, and the medro. After I told her my plan I sat there feeling like a little child waiting for my grandma to give me a piece of cake or something. I actually felt excited and was hopeful I could take one drug in place of three. After long, and careful consideration Dr and I decided that was not the right choice for me. After talking with her I felt better about staying on the plan I am currently on. Do I like the drugs? No! But for now they seem to be helping me sleep and the bottom line is why add another drug that we, #1 have no idea if it will work and #2 we don't know what it will do to me side effect wise. I felt better after I left.
In conclusion, as you will see, this is never really about the drugs. I know I need them. I know they are what help me to live a somewhat normal but small life. I know I am feeling better and having more better days. What it is really about is the fact that your life has changed so much and you hope someday you will be able go back to the days of no drugs and just be like everyone else. It is a total control thing. In my mind if I continue to fight and argue then I still have some kind of control over the diseases ravishing my body, causing havoc around every corner. When my doctor offered to make the appointment for my mammogram I told her no and that I would do it. Then I said to her, "If I do it then at least I still have some control." "My life has gone from this big, as I stretched my arms out, to this small, moving my hands in. It isn't easy accepting this is how your life is more than likely going to stay. It is especially hard when you are young and you have to watch everyone around you who is your age be able to do whatever they want whenever they want while you are trapped. I do the best I can but I still fight it and I still keep the hope that one day, one day maybe not in the near future, but one day I will be drug free. Until then I will push on drugs and all.