Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Passing Another Test

Here I sit at my throne writing to all of you wonderful people who take a few minutes to read my babblings. I appreciate it so. All your reads and comments help me process all of this. You are a true blessing to me and my life even though I have never even met many of you. We will one day when our souls intertwine. I look forward to that day.

I really have no idea why I am here right now except for the fact that I have been thinking so much about getting another call last week that something wasn't right on my mammogram. At first when I hung up I was just annoyed as hell. I mean really, I took the time to go get the test that I had been putting off for a few years and this happens. Earlier in the week I sliced my finger open and needed to get stitches and I was still recovering from that. When I did it I waited five hours hoping I wouldn't have to go to the Urgent Care but the bleeding finger won. Even a simple cut that needs stitches is a huge thing for me. Back to the mammogram. When I saw my doctor for my physical she asked when I was going to get my mammogram I told her I would do it this year. I also told her I keep putting it off because I just don't think I could handle another health crisis. I had all the excuses in the book. I still do, in fact I told Rich last night now I am good for another two years, at least. Making the initial appointment was easy but when I make those appointments I never know if I am going to wake up weak, in pain, with a migraine, the list goes on. So in order not to make a much longer story short I made it to the appointment. I made it to yesterdays ultrasound almost throwing up thinking I might have to face another crisis. When I was told it was just a cyst I was so relieved. It is a good thing there wasn't any alcohol in my car because I seriously think I would have taken a shot.

You see for me a health crisis is much harder for me than it is for most people, no I am not saying it isn't hard for others but for me it just puts another illness on the plate to deal with. I am still sickened when I look at my stitched up finger so cancer would have been like being hit by a bus. For me say like when I have a surgery and they tell me I will be up and around in a week I chuckle to myself and think sure doc I am almost sure that will be a month. When I get anything, a cold, bronchitis, etc and the doc tells me a certain time frame for the recovery I always double or triple it so I can keep my sanity when the initial time frame is not met. Illness is not only a physical problem for me it is a lot of disappointments.

I hear the phrase from so many people that God never/doesn't give you more than you can handle. Honestly I can't agree with that anymore. I don't believe God gives us these aliments just so he can watch us suffer. I suffer with one thing after another physically and it leads to much emotional suffering too. I have friends who suffer, it seems a few families in particular, who have been struck with more tragedy than most. Why is that? It can't be because God is looking at them and thinking I'll zap this family with more they have already suffered so much whats a little more? I think they can handle that. HUH? No way, I just don't see him doing that.  Now in saying I don't agree with that phrase on the flip side I don't believe that people can't get through the tragedy's they face because they can. They can and I have seen many do it. We all have to face whatever happens to us head on whether we want to or not. If my cyst would have turned out to be a cancer I/we would have dealt with it. I/we sure wouldn't have wanted to and I am sure I would not have done well with another diagnosis but you must take what comes your way and make the best of it, good or bad.

Today I am thankful. Thankful I do not have to face another illness, not so much the physical part but the emotional part. I am getting really good at learning to live with all the physical symptoms but for me the emotional/mental pain is so much harder to deal with. The mind can be your worst enemy in all of this that is why I try as hard as possible to stay positive, it is all I have to get me through this. So for today I live. I live my best life. I put one foot in front of the other and move on living in this moment because I have no idea what tomorrow, next week or next month brings, all I have is the now and I'm gonna enjoy it! It's all you have too so make the best of it.

God Bless You!

Dianne

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