Saturday, December 17, 2011

Why?

Why? The other day I was messaging back and forth with a fellow chronically ill friend. The main topic was about family and how she couldn't make it to an event and the family just didn't understand. Since that day I have been turning the story over and over in my head trying to make sense of it all. I can't. All I seemed to come up with has been a lot of why questions so here they are:

Why would I want to stay home and not attend an event and be around other people?

Why would someone "makeup" that they are sick?

Why would someone want to live like this?

Why would someone want to have to see doctors on a regular basis, even become friends with some of them?

Why would someone want to have to take medications to just exist or to get themselves moving in the morning and on many days still not have that help?

Why would people outside my family feel they can tell me all I need is a vitamin or to get out more when they have no idea what I/we live with on a daily basis. Why can't people understand the show, and the Dianne, everyone sees is not the reality I or my family lives with.

Why would I want to put my husband and family through this hell?

Why would I choose to have some of  my best friends be people who suffer worse than I do, people who truly are able to understand every word they say or write?

Why would I choose to stay home and not work when in reality I wish and dream of working outside the home someday?

Why would I listen to someone else give me their opinion on my illness when I have two of the best doctors in town?

Why would I want to have to plan out every detail of my day in order and take it in baby steps just so I can get through it?

Why would I have to always think about my body in everything I do, from physical to mental, because of the price I will pay if I do even a little bit too much?

Why do I have to wake up feeling like I was hit by a Mack truck only to have my plans for the day shot to hell?

Why would I want to be on drugs that make me nauseous and gain weight that I don't want to gain all the while knowing I need them to be able to get off the couch and putz around the house?

Why would I freak out going up and down stairs, and hate doors, corners and etc that always seem to be in my way and cause me to run into them all the time?

Why would I have to do nothing all day in order to be able to just go out to dinner?

Why is going to bed like running a marathon, hot bath, heat, pills, relaxation, need I go on?

Why do my facebook friends understand what I live with better than other people in my life who should?

Why do people avoid or act like I am not even sick?

Why? Why you ask? Because I am chronically ill. I am. Period. You can't change it. Avoiding it does not make it go away and  it is there all the time. It isn't fun. I don't like it in fact many days I hate it, but it is my life. In fact it is a big part of my life. It is a big part of many others lives too. Don't treat me, or others who are ill, like we are from outer space. We're not. For me I still the same person I have always been. Mostly that is. The only difference is now I don't deal in drama. I don't know if this is my last day, either do you, but for me it is different now. I don't take anything for granted anymore. I try my hardest to live in each moment even if that moment is not such a good moment. When it is not such a great moment I just sit and relax and hope and pray the next moment gets better. If it doesn't then it doesn't. Once again it is what it is. I just wish others could accept the reality and either love me or just shut up. Hey, maybe that is why people act like idiots at times because they are just shutting up. Ahah moment right there.

So whether you understand or you don't understand the next time you are around someone ill, or that ill person can't make a date, or whatever else may come up with a person you know who is ill a lot, I hope you can take a few minutes to just understand, even if you don't.

God Bless

Dianne

No comments:

Post a Comment