I have been thinking about writing this post for some days now but wondered how in the world am I going to write it without sounding like a Scrooge McDuck. I'm not really a scrooge it is just that Christmas is not my favorite time of the year. I don't know why I feel pulled to write this. It could be just for me I don't know but I am going to do it anyways.
First and foremost the reason I am not a Christmas person is because I struggle with the Christmas Spirit. I always have. I don't understand why every time I go out in public everyone is so nice when the rest of the year they are rude and not very nice at all. It makes absolutely no sense to me. For me it is the opposite I almost get a little ruder the month of December because this is such a big thing for me to deal with. Okay, I don't but I want to be because of the frustration this brings me. I don't know why people cannot just be nice to one another all the time when it really isn't that hard. I wonder is it because of the gift giving thing? Is it the excitement of getting more stuff that we really don't need and moving on to the next want after we receive the the Christmas want? Or is it the true meaning, the giving part? Because shouldn't we be giving all year round and not just at Christmas. The older I get the more I see we American's are possession people. Stuff matters but in the end it really doesn't.
Second, for me, is the hurt Christmas/December brings. It is the month I lost one of my best friends whom I loved dearly. A friend I loved with all my heart. It was Christmas Eve and he was killed in a car accident. I remember that year like it was yesterday. The phone call at 3 am. I remember going to his parents house at 7am. My heart aching and feeling like half of it died when we buried Tim. I remember spending those three days at the funeral him saying goodbye to Tim and not being able to stop crying or wanting to leave his body. I wanted to go with him but I knew I couldn't. I cry as I write this and I think of him everyday. I have stories, songs, memories that I will cherish forever. I always loved when Rich and I got together with Tim and the gang, every time we saw Tim he would sing to us the song Jack and Dianne except he would sing Rich and Dianne and tell us/me how happy he was for us. He would just look at me and say, "You and Richie?" with his cute little smurk on his face. Tim and I had a very special bond. I think that year was so hard for me too because it was the first year I had really looked forward to Christmas. Tim's dad Tony helped me find Rich a set of golf clubs to give Rich for Christmas. Rich loved, and still does love to golf, so I was so excited to give him those clubs. I had worked very hard and saved for a long time to buy those clubs. Tony bought a set and he had a set for Tim too so it was so exciting. When Tim died all that joy left and I am not sure it has really ever come back. Don't get me wrong I love being with my family but I changed that day December 24, 1982.
Last but not least I watch and listen to people who are too busy to even have time to breathe. People who rush around shopping. People who struggle with parties because certain people will be there. People who do not care much about their families. It is sad to me. Really, as in life, Christmas IS about Jesus but also about family. I think to myself if Jesus is the reason you/we celebrate then how come you don't care about your family? I struggle with this. I have seen hurt, pain, anger, and jealously in families, ours included, and the one thing I have always strived to do is NOT let that happen to my immediate family. I have told my kids from the time they were little, "See these people right here, they are the ones who will be there for you when times are hard, don't ever let that relationship go because once it goes it is very hard to go back to the way it was. This right here is why God gave you a family to take care of each other when times are hard. These are the people who will be wiping your ass someday. I know that is gross but if you think about it, true!" It must have worked because it is pure joy for me to watch all of them together and to hear them talk about one another now that they are all out of the house. That is the greatest Christmas gift for me to know they are not just brother and sisters but friends, one of my biggest goals as being a parent came true. Pure joy!
As I try to figure out the point of this I still don't know exactly what it is except that I still have to try to do what is right for myself and others whom I come in contact with. Or maybe it is for me to deal with this Christmas a little better. Yes, there are those who can't return it, the love, and then I have to focus on the true loves of my life. God, My Parents, Rich, the kids, Hunter and Addi and the few friends and extended family who really do care. Christmas for me isn't easy. I have a hard enough time keeping up the rest of the year and Christmas is much added stress for me. A stress that is worth it for me even though I always get sick after Christmas. I hope this year is different and that start of a non after Christmas illness. We are keeping it simple this year, simpler than we usually do, and for me that is enough to bring me joy. I hope and pray you can do the same and find the peace you need to enjoy your holiday.
God Bless and Merry Christmas,