Sunday, September 4, 2011

Back In The Funk

I am not sure what is going on or what to make of it. I just like to call it the Funk.Yesterday I woke up feeling good, went to get my hair cut and had a wonderful time with two beautiful souls. As I was sitting in the chair I could feel something was happening to my body. I could feel my eye drooping and usually when that happens it means that good things are not on the horizon for me. I left the appointment feeling ok and was excited to go shopping and get a few things along with a few other stops. I made it to the first stop, Kohl's to return something, which in itself does not seem like a major event, but to me it was. You see, I had to stand in line and wait for quite a while, which is not that big of a deal for some but for me it is like climbing a mountain. The standing and not being able to lean on something to help me hold myself up takes so much energy. Finally, I made it to the counter and made my return. Initially I was going to look around but decided after the wait I would just leave so I could make the other stops I really wanted to make.

Next, the beauty supply store. Nikki my hairdresser told me about some better shampoo I should be using for my rats nest hair. I ran in to pick up a bottle of shampoo and conditioner. The lady was rude to say the least, really do I look like a dummy or what?! I was the only customer and she acted like I was a nut. I asked, "Do you have bed head products?" She answered, "Yes on the back wall." So I went back and started to look at the products. She finally decided to ask me if I needed help. Yes I do! For one thing I can't see to read the bottles so that would be helpful and I have no idea what I need for my hair. As she approached me and I said I needed something for the friz she looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Well, I am not sure what you mean." I am standing there thinking, are you kidding me right now? Frizzzz dah, you do work in a beauty supply store and why the heck did you ask if I needed help then, of course I just smiled. I know this sound rude but for me the energy it takes to even converse with someone is more than anyone could even imagine. I told her to forget it and I would look myself. Geeze! I finally found what I wanted and checked out. Only to get home an realize she never kept my signed receipt for the purchase so I called her back to tell her the drawer would be off and she was very nice then, of course it was her butt on the line then. I thought maybe now she will treat others kindly as I just did her by telling her she made a mistake. I do believe in karma! I hope she is kinder to others in the future!

Next stop, Hobby Lobby. I love this store to say the least although I knew I wasn't going to last long. I wanted to get some more craft items so when I feel like this I have something to do when I have to just sit on the couch. Needless to say I didn't find much. My main goal today was to get some airplanes for Hunter and Addi to play with when we have out cookout this weekend. Mission accomplished and that was about it.

I also had good intention to go to Meijer for a few things, I didn't make it. I came home and sat on the couch, weak, tired, and very sad. It is so hard when you are stuck home alone, not feeling well, while everyone else is out having fun in one way or another. It can be very depressing if I allow my mind to travel down that road of thoughts. We all have those thoughts at one time or another. poor me, poor me, poor me, but when you are chronically ill they enter your mind much more. I sat and watched the Michigan game as those thoughts tried to flood my head every few minutes. Every time telling myself  you will not give into that crap. It wasn't easy at all but somehow I made it through the day, alone. I still am not feeling well physically today but am looking forward to having my family around to make me laugh today.

The past month has been wonderful for me health wise and I am grateful for that month, as I sit here and wonder if this next month is not going to be so good the way it is starting out. That is how it is with chronic illness, at least for me. I can be really good, good for me, and it is like a light switch that just turns me from bad to good or good to bad in a second. I don't understand it and to be truthful I don't want to understand it. It is so emotionally draining trying to figure it all out I just try not to go there in my mind. I have played that game for over five years now and I never win so it is just easier to let he disease win. When I feel good my mind controls my life, a somewhat normal existence, but when I am bad my body controls my life and that is ok. I will get through this as I have many times before! For now the body wins and the mind listens.

May God Bless You All. I know he sure does me!!


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