I know I wrote a few days ago about stress but for some reason I just can't let it go. After this past weekend my stress level was upgraded to a boiling point of no return. I thought I was doing well, after the crying and feeling sorry for myself, but I'm not and I just angrier by the day. Really angry. You know the kind? The kind where you just want to rip someone's head off, not literally, but if I could just say what I want to say to certain people it would help me so. I can't, and that is what makes it so hard for me. I hate holding things in and when I do talk about them no one understand, really understands, or they just say enough or no more and don't want to talk. Putting the blinders on that they have lived with forever. I have always been a talker. I don't believe in shoving things under the rug it is a waste of time and energy. Get it out, get it over with and move on. A true female. I need, must, have to talk things out or I go crazy, kind of like I am going right now. Bonkers!
I know some people can do other things to relieve their stress, exercise, talk and have people listen, drink, etc, but for me those are not great options. The exercise makes me weak and the drinks kill my liver because of the drugs I am on, which is probably a good thing because I would have become an alcoholic by now with some of the crap I have had to deal with over the years.
So what do I do? I come here and write some of my frustrations. Of course I am unable to write just what is going on to protect the innocent but none the less I write about the stress of it all. How I have been weaker than usual, how the brutal fatigue is killing me, how my eye is dropping almost shut at times, how I feel like I want to throw up, how my pain and swelling have been worse, how I wish I had a delete button in my life to delete certain people, how I haven't been sleeping as well which in turns sends me on the down slide into autoimmune hell. I could go on but I am sure you get the picture. Stress is no good for me or anyone with autoimmune disease!
As for now I will continue to try to deal with all my symptoms and deal with my frustration as I always do in this situation, alone. This too shall pass, and it will, until the next pile of crap hits and adds up to get me sicker. Actually I think I should be use to it all by now but for some reason I'm not.
I must focus on the good. The good of my family, especially my grand babies who love and accept me, flaws and all. Who are always there to give me the hugs and the kisses I don't deserve at times like this when the horrible thoughts are running through my head. They don't know and they don't care, they just love me. The only thing I need right now, love! I thank God for them everyday!
I think I feel better after writing this. It doesn't make the situation go away or pass but it does help me mentally. And if you know me, well, enough said there.
Blessings to you and your day!
Dianne
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