It happened again. You know how they always say the place where you learn the most is when you are down in the valleys of life? It is so true. Last night I really had the reality hit home. I called a friend who was going through some hard times and I realized a few things about me as I hung up.
I learned that I am a liar. A really good one too. Maybe not a liar but just good at convincing others that I have accepted what I have to live with. When I am doing okay and living my small simple life it is easy for me to say I have accepted this illness thing. I think I even wrote a blog about it sometime back. Whoops sorry for the confusion. It is easy to say I can do this when in reality I am only lying to others to make it easier on them. If I tell and act like I have accepted it then it doesn't exist, for them at least. You see, it is very hard for me to talk to other people about my illness. I have a very good coping mechanism to get out the conversation when people want to really know how I am doing. Last night I learned what it was. I always say, "Someone else has it worse off then I do." It is the perfect escape. It shuts the person off from asking me more questions and it gives me the freedom of not having to even attempt to make others understand. I can't explain what I live with, it is impossible, unless you are here and you actually are able to see it. Plus I have also learned as, with many things, unless you are living a situation you can never possibly understand it.
All of my talk of accepting that I have to live like this forever is fine and dandy when I am feeling okay but when I get slammed down like I did sixteen days ago, YES I do know how many days, minutes, and hours it has been, the whole acceptance thing gets thrown out the window. I haven't accepted this hell. Who could? Really? It is horrible and it is very sad. I cry and cry when I am like this because when you are ill it brings you down on your knees and forces you to dive into the depths of your heart and soul. You don't want to be like this but when you are this ill there is no control over your emotions. You wonder is this the start of something new that will not allow me to go back to the okay stage? I am good in the okay stage. I can enjoy my family and not much more but I am good with that, really I am. When I am like I have been the past sixteen days it is hard to enjoy anything because your body is using all its energy to just exist. Yup, I know it sounds crazy but remember what I said above you will never understand it until you live it or see someone else live it.
So when I compare myself to someone else or say that others have it worse than I do I really do believe that is true but I also know this is MY hell. It is not comparable to someone else's hell but my hell none the less. Just because someone else is worse off doesn't mean that I am not suffering. Just because people like to tell me there are people much worse off then I it doesn't make it easier for me. It makes me shut off. I am certainly not going to open up to someone who tells me so and so is in the hospital so be thankful you aren't. Yes, I have been told things like this. I know, I'm not stupid but I also know how I feel and you have no idea. Ahhh the thoughts that go through my head. Which brings up another problem when you are chronically ill you have way to much time to dissect every word that someone says to you. You read between every line, big or small. After a while you avoid the naysayers and you know what? Somehow over time you are okay with it. Another loss you don't want to accept but it is what it is. I tell you I don't know what I would do without Rich here keeping me grounded. He is my sanity when I am losing it. I am so thankful for all his kindness toward me when I am in the mode to just give up. When you are in the lowest valley it is so easy to just want to give up. But then I think if I give up the illness wins and if I think like that I just get pissed off and think no way in hell am I going to let this illness win!
In the end it is our own battle to fight and hopefully someday win, even if the winning day is death, we will win. It doesn't really matter how many people surround us or support us it is our own battle. It is our own hell to live, to figure out, and hopefully really accept one day. Until then we push on with our good days, bad days, and okay days fighting every step of the way. This too shall pass!