If there are one hundred things that being chronically ill takes from a person there for sure is at least one thing that it gives you back in return, time. Lots of time. Lots and lots and lots of time. Time that someone else might wish they had to accomplish the things they never seem to accomplish. But the sad part is this kind of time isn't like that at all because your body doesn't allow you the luxury to accomplish all those tedious things. For me I have found the time has allowed me to explore much more than I had ever imagined it would have when I first got very sick. It offered me the time to think, a look into my mind that I never really had or took the time to do.
The other day I went with the girls for Steph's dress fitting and then out for lunch, all of which took maybe and hour and a half, not much time for the ordinary person but for me a sacrifice. After lunch the girls wanted to stop at Target, as usual I didn't so we compromised, they shopped while I waiting in the car people watching. As you know this is always interesting and entertaining when you are the watcher and not the person being dissected. I watch a mother grab her son by the arm and yell at him and I thought to myself, lady someday you will regret that when he doesn't want to be around you. I always wonder when parents do things like that in public what the heck are they doing behind closed doors. Childhood damage stays forever. I felt so bad for that boy. Then I saw a mother and daughter loading their car and smiling as they talked. Nice scene for me as my girls were in the store and I was in the car.....waiting. Unfair but life for me. I was happy for them none the less. Then I saw an older couple, our age, and I thought to myself that is me and Rich. hahaha another laugh! We look like that when we shop except usually my mouth is running and Rich is just shaking his head, yes or saying yes dear. hahaha! True!
As I sat there I also thought to myself time flies and what is the point? I ask myself that everyday now that time is my best friend. What are we really here for? What is the point? Only to reproduce? I think back about the times I spent sleeping at my grandmas house on weekends. I remember her although my children never will. When I am gone there wont be anything left about her. The few belongings I have of hers that I cherish will probably get tossed out someday. I wonder about all of our generations past. What their story was. I have papers on my moms side of the family but I wonder what they left here that was of significance to us now in this day and age. Yes, we have everything. Proof is in watching the people shuffle out of Target with their bags of "stuff" that will wither away. I wonder what each of them will leave behind when they are gone. Stuff- BIG DEAL- that's all it is, stuff. Stuff hasnt made me love Rich anymore. It hasn't made me love my children anymore or for them to love me anymore. It is the time spent laughing, loving, and just being together that really matters.
So what have I solved with this post? I assume not a darn thing. Well, maybe one thing. We all are here to make our mark, to try and leave this world a better place than it was when we came into it. In some ways I believe it is but at other times when I see the selfishness and carelessness I regress. All I can come up with is we are here to do good and love. Nothing else really makes any sense to me. Now some of you may disagree but it is always easier to disagree and tell someone else how to live or believe when you have no idea what they have been through. I don't believe it is a one size fits all world and we all must leave our mark, good or bad. So here's to you and leaving your mark. Make it a good one because it is the only chance you have!
God Bless!
Dianne
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