Sunday, January 22, 2012

Remember When?

Try to remember back when you were a child, that is if you are able to remember back that far. I know sometimes it isn't easy unless an incident sparks your memory, especially when you are a half a century old or older. Do you remember when you were a child in gym class and you played with the big piece of cloth and everyone held on to a corner of the circle sized cloth? The teacher would count to three and at the same time everyone would throw the cloth up in the air and the cloth would turn into a big balloon. I can remember after the entire class had that mastered we would all have a chance to run under the middle of the balloon. Only a few of us at a time because obviously someone had to hold the balloon up while the few kids were under it. Although if my memory serves me right I can remember once in a while talking the teacher into letting us all go under at the same time. We would all count to three and run in, the balloon would fall and there we were scrambling to get out of the balloon. I remember the fun we had as children trying to find our way out but I also remember kind of freaking out because it would get a little dark under that balloon and you were on your own trying to find your way out. I remember many times I couldn't find my way out. I would some what start to panic in trying to find the edge.

I can also remember another time our family went swimming at Gun Lake. This was not unusual for our family as we went to the beach almost every weekend until we started camping. Gun lake was perfect because it was so shallow. I loved to swim. I remember one time I was out in the water by myself and practicing summersaults. I tried and tried and tried but I couldn't get it perfect. All of the sudden when I was doing one I couldn't find the top of the water. I was stuck rolling around trying to find air. I seriously thought I was going to drowned at that moment but after a few minutes somehow in a panic I found the top of the water and could breath. I still remember just standing there in a panic trying to process what had happened. It was so scary I had to go sit on the beach towel to calm myself down!

Now as I live with chronic illness I can compare it to the two stories, especially after this week that has passed. On most days of living for me I feel like the summersualt incident. I tumble around and around getting out of the rumble and catching my breath at just the right moment. I make it out. I do what has to be done and I feel scared but don't panic about it because I made it! Other times, like this week, I am the child stuck in the middle of the balloon. I know I am going to find my way out eventually but it is a dark, scary, lonely place to be. I struggle to make it out of the black hole that is consuming my every move. Even as I am alseep at night in my warm bed I am haunted as I am being awaken by the choking because I can't breath or catch my breath. It is another dark, lonely, scary place to be. Then in the morning when I feel Rich standing over me watching me because he thinks I am not breathing. You see this game is not the game where the whole class gets to have fun it is torture not just for me but those who love and see me live this hell. That part pains me more than the illness, believe me!

For now I wait. Wait for the corners to start to show their light as I am stuck in the middle of the big black hole. I know the light will be shining soon. I just have to hold onto that hope because if I don't mind my goes back to the 'I don't want to live like this' place and I can't allow myself to go there. It is scary because I have not been this bad in years. I do have the occasional times when I am down for a few days but at least on most days I am able to enjoy the little I can do but this is different. This is not good, not good at all. As I continue to wait for the light I hope you are able to do the same with whatever situation you may be facing.


God Bless!