Thursday, January 26, 2012

Yet Another Loss- A Huge One

This chronic illness has taken so much from me that I have sort of gotten use to it. I mean I finally understand I can't do the things that normal people do like go bowling, or go to the beach, or go on a long hike in the woods, go to a movie, go out in public because of germs, or all the other physical activities others are able to do. It has taken a long time but I am actually fine with it. It seems when I do those things the pay off is not worth it so I have just come to the understanding that laying low is better for my health then the torture I would endure if I gave into every want or desire to do anything that is physically taxing.

When I write the above, or think about the above, it really is all good until I get to the reality I am facing right now. My heart is aching and every time I think of this loss and I start to cry and cannot even bare to think of this one. The other losses are fine they are just stupid entertainments. It is easy for me to find other pleasures to take their place when I am home. All my hobbies and my favorite, being in my husbands arms. I wish I could stay there 24 hours a day but poor Rich is out working hard so we can keep our home we have and so he can provide me with all I need to get through each day. Always telling me to take care of myself and never being selfish in anyway. I don't know how he does it. Love, true selfless love.

The loss I am facing now is the loss if being able to take care of Hunter and Addi on a weekly basis. It is not fair to them to have to come here when I can hardly get off the couch to play. I don't even have the energy to get the art stuff out to do a project. I try to do the best I can but it isn't fair to them and they should be in an environment that they can flourish and be with other children. Where they are able to play outside and run around. It pains me that I have to give up something that I cherish with all my heart but that is what illness does to a person. Just when you think you cannot lose much more it strips away even more. Slowly, over time, it tears you apart. Your life changes into something you don't want it to change into but you have to deal with it and accept it. I keep telling myself it will be better because I will have a few more days to take better care of myself and hopefully have good days that I can go pick Hunter and Addi up and just have Nana time with them. You know what that means? Of course, spoiling them rotten! But then it also brings the worry of someone else watching them. Someone who doesn't love them with my Nana heart. Someone who won't understand what each whine or cry needs. Someone who won't grab them and smoother them with hugs and kisses and make them giggle as they walk around with lipstick stains on their cheeks. Heartbreaking for me. But then I can also see their smiles if they are able to play with other children. I know they will be just fine!

As I face yet another loss I also need to look at it as a gain. When I do get to see them I will be at my best. They will get only the good days and not have to see me on my bad days or ask me, why can't we do this or do that Nana? How do you explain that to a 2 year old and a 4 year old, because I don't feel good? They don't know what that means nor do I want them to remember me as the "sick" Nana. I want to them to remember the good times, the love, and just how special they are to me. Now and forever. So this is the right choice. Not easy emotionally but right for all in the end.

So in the end for me and for all of you: I/We must remember good always comes out of bad and in our heads we always seem to make things much worse then they ever turn out to actually be. I love and adore you Hunter and Addi!

God Bless!


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