I know I say it often and I am going to say it again. It is amazing how God works. When you just know he has his hands all over everything, especially if you are listening and paying attention. I am usually pretty good at this, usually, not always. Today was one of those days I heard him loud and clear.
Yesterday I was writing about seeing a therapist today I decided and thought about it a lot. What was I thinking? I don't need a therapist I have them all around me. Today I had an appointment with one of my docs for OMM Dr. Grunwaldt, who works on my neck and my hip. We were discussing being chronically ill and how I really truly want to get signed up for a stretching or tai chi class. There is one coming up but I was telling him I have all the excuses. What if I go to the first class and it throws me into a flare, or I get there and after 10 minutes I am weak and cannot continue. What if I go and everyone there is 90 years old and can exercise circles around me. It is a brutal reality to deal with when you see someone much older than you are and they are able to do much more than you are able to do. It can bring you down in the dumps really quick. What if, here I go again. What if? I told him I have all the excuses and then some. He told me that I have to learn my breaking point. Figure out how far I can go and stop and if that means you go to the class and do 10-15 minutes of the breathing exercises, so be it. Leave. He told me to talk to the instructor before the class starts so she is aware of my situation. He also talked about Christopher Reeves and about his books. He tried to remember a quote and repeat it to me but had some problems trying to remember exactly what it was Christopher said. I realized I must do some research on these books. On the way home from the visit I thought a lot more. You know the crap self talk. "Are you kidding yourself? You think you need to talk to someone? Christopher Reeves couldn't even walk. Get out of the pity party, pick your self absorbed self up and start to make some changes. Quit saying you can't, because you can. Like Dr Grunwaldt said maybe not all but some." All of this and a million other things ran through my head all day long and continue as I write this.
This afternoon I had to run to the dentist and pick up some films at the hospital for another appointment I have tomorrow. On the way I thought to myself I am going to stop at the bookstore and just see if there is a book that sparks my interests and may set some fire under my butt. I feel I have fallen into the whole, this is the way it is, syndrome and I am in so far that I cannot see the way out anymore. I must take the reins and at least try to make more changes. I know I do many things right already but maybe if I do more I can get out of this and feel better. hahahaha I just made myself laugh. It sure isn't like you can actually "think" your way better when you have autoimmune diseases but I am sure going to try and it does help to have a solid mind/body/spirit connection. I found a book about living with autoimmune disease. I got home and found I already have it. They just changed the color of the cover so it looked good to me. Oh well, I'll take that as another God thing that I was meant to buy it today and read it!
Then tonight I went on my facebook and the RA Guy wrote a beautiful entry on his blog. How it took him 7 hours today to just start his day. Another slap upside the head from God. Wake up lady! You started your day in about 2 hours so add another 5 to that ding dong, you have it good! I have been slapped upside the head so many times today I think my brain is rattling. It has been a good awakening for me. Tears and all but then again I always get like this before I see one of my specialists. It made me realize things will be okay!
Decision 2012 for this candidate is that I am not going to go talk to a therapist. I have Rich. I know it all anyways. I am usually the therapist to everyone else I just never listen to my own advice. Well, today is a new day, the day I start to listen to myself and take my own advice. I am really going to work on making the changes, small as they may be, but something!