I remember a time not to long ago when Rich would go away and I would actually be excited to have some time to myself. I didn't have to cook dinner, worry about picking up the house, doing the laundry or all the other things I do around here. I always would figure if he gets to have a mini vacation, or if he traveled for work, it was my time to have my own little vacation. It seems like yesterday until I start to really think about it, then it seems like a million years ago.
Rich was never the kind who would ever ask me why I didn't get something done I just felt it was my responsibility to do all those things while he was out there providing for us. It was like my job and I really never minded keeping the home fires burning. He always told me and still does, "You are in charge at home I am in charge all day at work it is nice to come home and not have to worry about things." You must understand Rich's job is very stressful so I have always understood what he was talking about and this has always worked for us. Plus if you know me I like being in charge and bossing people around.
Now as the years pass and the illness hit things have changed. It is funny how you take each other for granted when you are living your day to day lives. He worked, I did my thing, but now it is different. Now I depend on him much more than I ever had to and he worries about me constantly. It is very hard for me emotionally to even write this. When he goes away now it is like a fear comes over me. I feel like my security blanket has been ripped off or like I am standing in the middle of a cold dark field all by myself. I almost feel scared and if I think about it too deep I can almost panic so I must clear my mind and let the good thoughts come in. Yesterday I did go out by myself and I felt that same panic. The illness has not only robbed me of my health but it has also taken that self confidence and strong inner strength I use to have. Now I feel like a child who needs the care of someone. That just knowing your parent is there just in case, kind of feeling. I don't like it but like I have said before it is what it is.
So for today I push on. I hardly slept at all so of course I get weaker but I am going to get some things done around here! I am going to run to get some pictures printed! I am going to be strong! But most of all I am going to be waiting for my knight in shining armor to come home so I can feel his security once again.
I hope in what ever situation you are in that you are able to appreciate your people and soak in the love that surrounds you. It really is all that matters!