Monday, February 20, 2012

Here I Am Again

Here I sit once again a week away from another appointment with my Rheumatologist. As I walked up the stairs yesterday with my journal in hand waving it at Rich asking, "Do I really have to start preparing for this appointment? I don't want to!" I usually write down every detail of what has happened to me in the past six months so my doctor can just review the notes with me. If I don't write it all down I forget something. Only problem is this time so many symptoms have gotten worse since the change in my meds that I don't want to do it. I told Rich I just don't have the energy to write it all down and that maybe I should just bring the journal. Just the thought of writing it down exhausts me. I am tired, so tired, not only physically trying to keep myself afloat, but mentally trying to make sense of it all.
I just want it all to go away, knowing in the back of my head it won't. This will be a very emotional week for me. There are so many people out there hurting and with issues much bigger than mine it makes me wonder. The ago old question, Why? The question that all my blogs are about.

I begin to think how others are suffering much more serious medical issues than I and I really do believe I am blessed. I begin to believe I really can deal with all of this. I believe it really is happening for a reason although on some days that reason is in the far distance and I can barely see it through the thick dark fog. I still believe it is there. I think of others in their suffering and my heart aches. Then I begin to remember this is my suffering and I really shouldn't make light of it comparing it to another. It seems we do that when we are ill, or we hear it from everyone else if we don't do it to ourselves. So and so is worse off or there are a lot more people worse off than you, yup just what we want to hear. Plus I know it but it still doesn't make the situation I am living in any easier, thank you very much. I push on with support or lack of. You become bitter and angry. It is such a roller coaster ride not only the physical part but that emotional component that drags along with it all.

In the back of my head I know I should start on my notes right now but what am I doing? Sitting here writing on my blog. For some reason I find comfort coming here. Not only because it helps me to write but because I know I am not alone. I know there are many people out there just like me. It helps just knowing that. Plus, I figure if I come here the thought that I have to write the actual notes for Dr Key might just go away. I do it every time. Push it out and place it on the back burner as long as I can hoping it disappears, all the while knowing I will have to face it sooner or later since now I only have a week to go. To many decisions to make, to much to remember, to much to live with. Talking about it brings the worse days all back like a tornado smashing through a small town. You try to forget but in the back of your head are those memories of the hell that seem to want to stick around. Yelling at you, "Don't forget." It is like living a nightmare every minute of everyday. This being said, somehow I know it will all work out, and it usually does. I will start my note. Okay maybe tomorrow but I will start it none the less! (trying to convince myself here, can you tell?)

May God Bless you in whatever struggles you may be facing!

God Bless!


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