Help- this isn't a real cry for help but a cry out to myself, so settle down.
When you think of running out of gas you probably think of your car, or a time you actually did run out of gas. I never have ran out of gas but riding with Rich we have come close. It annoys the crap out of me. When we go on a trip and get to the quarter tank mark I always tell him to stop and fill up now, the anxiety talking. One time when we went on vacation we were very low on fuel, below a quarter tank. We rode by a gas station and I asked him to please stop. ZOOM, right past, "We have plenty of gas to get to the next station," he blurted out with lots of confidence. I wasn't happy. Little did he know the next station was miles away. It was one of those stretches of highway that went on forever. I think we coasted into that gas station and he agreed he should have listened to me. I think he learned a lesson that day that none of us will forget. Yes, we filled up and made it home safe.
The running out of gas, that I am talking about today, is the kind where your body decides when it has had enough and you run out of gas. It is the most frustrating physical symptom of chronic illness, at least for me. Yesterday starting at noon my body decided it wanted to run out of gas. There was no arguing with it, the body has a way of winning that one. I got up this morning and had a few things I had to get done so for a few hours I accomplished two thing. Wahoo! Believe me they were not a big deal and to most people probably a minor annoyance. Mind over matter! Mind over matter I kept chanting to myself. The body isn't going to win, I am going to go and walk outside! I had a very positive state of mind in making it for a long walk. I got dressed, put my hair up in a cap, applied the sunscreen, grabbed my ipod, put my shoes on and headed out. When I walked out I thought oh no it is warm, not good for my muscles. Then I thought okay it is warm but you are not going to let that stop you. I started out good listening to the song We Are the World on my ipod, a song that always makes me feel happy and sad both at the same time. I made the first round around the house and started to huff and puff. Oh great the shortness of breath monster is setting in. Oh well, keep going this is good for you. I made it around another time and another the gas tank was on a quarter tank by now. I was on the forth time around and the gas all but ran out. Tears welling in my eyes from being so weak. I had to make it to the door. I prayed for God to just let me make it to the basement the whole way tears rolling down my face. Tears not because I was weak, but because I had to stop. It is so frustrating. I came in the house and cranked up the air and am sitting here recovering. Yes, we have the air on. I cannot take the heat so the other night my love started it to comfort me.
Sitting here I am beginning to feel better, although it just isn't as good of a day as I was hoping it was going to be. After all, the way I see it, yesterday wasn't great so in my head the hope was that I would wake up better today. No such luck. Whoever said exercise makes everything better was an idiot and obviously never had a chronic illness that knocked them to their knees. I will not let that keep me down! I continue to exercise and try as hard as I can to become stronger once again. I will not let a little issue like running out of gas today allow me to believe that tomorrow I will wake up on empty. Here's to tomorrow, or hopefully by tonight, to having a full tank!
God Bless!
Dianne
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