Every time I write a post I wonder what the heck am I going to write about next time. I never have a plan in anything I write, it just seems to pop in my head or it is because of a struggle I am facing at any given time, one of the reasons it took me so long to start a blog. I knew I could write a few of the common knowledge blogs but never thought beyond all of the common issues chronically ill people deal with. Well, for today I am being pulled here again to share more. This is a two for one because it hits on two points of living with chronic illness.
First point and one that always strikes me funny is when someone else gets ill. I hate to hear that someone is sick with anything, even the flu. I know what that feels like because for me that is a day to day feeling, always feeling like I have a slight case of the flu so I don't like it when others have the flu. Then there are the people who get sick with something that lasts longer than the flu. It could be something with their heart or other longer lasting illness in which they know they will get better but it isn't happening as fast as they wish it would. I listen to the frustration in their voices. They say how hard it is to have to see so many doctors and that they are so sick of it. I can relate. They always, always ask me how I do it. I can't even imagine how you do it all the time is usually what I hear. I just say it is what I have been given and you deal with what you are given just as you are dealing with what you have been given right now. It just kind of makes me laugh when people say that. The reason being is that no one really understands any of it until they are going through it themselves. The same people who have told me over and over to stay positive and it will get better maybe the ones suffering now and they see what it really is all about. Words are easy to say when you are not living the illness, but when it hits you the words are not so wonderful to hear. In weakness we understand others weaknesses.
Second point for today is I wonder why after all these years, after all the drugs I have taken why I have waited to long to take pain meds. I take many meds including the muscle relaxers and xanax at night but I just couldn't bring myself to take doctor prescribed pain meds. For me, every time I add a med it is like another voicein my head telling me I am giving into the illness and letting it win. Maybe I am in a strange kind of way. Maybe I am at that stage of being so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I just don't care anymore. I am so tired of trying to figure it all out that my brain hurts from thinking about it all. A fe weeks ago when I saw Dr Key, my Rheumatologist, I asked her about pain meds, at least so I could sleep at night. She suggested tramadol/ultrum and I agreed to try it. I cannot believe what a difference one little pill can help with my pain level. I have been taking Tylenol arthritis for years all along knowing it really didn't do much for my pain but telling myself it is enough and to stay clear of doctor prescribed pain meds. You don't want to have to depend on pain meds now too would be my way of thinking. Well, after this week I am happy to say I have accepted that I am going to have to take these pain meds, not on a 24 hours basis but as needed. I feel good about it now after the results I have had with them this week. Yes I added another drug to the list but I am still the same person. I must focus on that!
You must understand for me to hear people talk of being ill and realizing how hard it is having to add meds to my list saddens me to no end and for me both kind of go hand in hand. My heart aches on both fronts. I wish I could make everyone better or not have to hear how people are suffering just as I wish I didn't have to add new meds to my long list, but life doesn't work like that. We press on, all of us, ill or not ill. We all have our struggles, ill or not ill. We do the best we can and if that means illness, meds, our life stopping for a while as we continue to heal we still continue to live. Live the best we can. Soak in every minute we are given and appreciate all that is given to us even if it is illness because it teaches us so many lessons. I wouldn't change anything I believe illness has given me a much better life because I get it now. Life is good illness or not! Now, go out there and live your best life! I am.